We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
