i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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