Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
