I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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