I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
