I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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