I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
