Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
