I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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