Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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