I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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