I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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