Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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