Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Never underestimate the power of titties
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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