How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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