I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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