My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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