I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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