Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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