You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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