WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
