Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
