Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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