So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
