I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
