How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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