You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
