The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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