so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
