i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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