Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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