somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
