I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We had to coat check the pizza.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
being pregnant is like rehab
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
