yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
