the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you mean i was at the winter classic?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
