The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
