Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
