you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I am available for nakedness
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
