Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
