Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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