genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
