I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
