my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
