Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Randomize
