i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
