Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
