I never want to see another naked old woman again.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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