Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
