I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
