she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
