I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
