The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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