I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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