We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
