Im at strip club and am horny
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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