Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
