im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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