Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize